Pressurized
by alphastudio
Summary: He could just imagine the weight upon Shepard's shoulders, the guilt, the failure, he could envision Shepard tearing himself apart, replaying Thessia over and over in his mind. Envisioning how things could have gone differently, what he could have done that would have made all of this work out.


Life support proved empty as well when Kaidan ducked his head in. It didn't make sense. The shuttle was still in the bay below, and he'd checked every room in the Normandy, some of them twice. He had to be somewhere in the ship, but where? After seeing Shepard's face when he'd left the comm room, he just had to- had to...

But it hadn't been his place to do anything. And honestly, he hadn't known what to do when he saw him. Pat on the back? Sympathetic expression? What would he say, what could he say?

No, Garrus had been the perfect choice to make the commander feel better, not Kaidan. The major was too emotional, too honest, he didn't know how to phrase things right. Hell, Kaidan hadn't even gone to Thessia. Liara had insisted on going, and then Shepard had chosen Garrus, not Kaidan. Because Garrus had been with Shepard through thick and thin. Through everything, easily deflecting and reassuring, never doubting, never suspicious, never accusing...

But now Kaidan realised that he had been wrong. As soon as he'd walked out, the guilt and worry had consumed him. He should have said something. Just his name, or given a meaningful look, something! If only he wasn't so useless at wording things right!

He still remembered the email he'd written, ages ago before he'd returned to the Normandy, with a case of cheap beer that had tasted nothing like the stuff on earth in his small Alliance issued apartment on the Citadel. He'd written the first, well, he supposed it'd been a draft in about an hour, and, upon rereading it the next day with a hangover like the alcohol had leaked into his biotic implant, had decided it he would send it. The day after that, he changed his mind. Then, within that same day, he'd changed it back again. When he'd finally settled on _just sending the damn thing, he ended up spending weeks just checking it over and over. He'd proofread it so many times, by the time he'd hit send, he knew the whole thing off by heart, word for word. He just wasn't good at phrasing things. He'd agonised over everything. What to mention, what not to mention, what word to use, how to end the sentences… how to end the email…_

_When things settle down… maybe… I don't know. Just take care._

Looking back, Kaidan didn't really know what he'd wanted out of the email. A reply would have been nice, but despite checking his omnitool nearly every fifteen minutes, alert or not, for weeks after it had been sent, he'd never received one. Maybe Shepard had never received it, but the chances of that were slim. In reality, Kaidan knew that it simply hadn't been enough. He hadn't worded it right. And he accepted it. But there had always been that one small, tiny part in him. The part of him that had kept his ears perked on the tabloids announced over the Citadel for '_Commander Shepard's Love Life Scandals_'. The part that had written all those drafts in his saved emails folder. Over fifty of the bloody things._How are you, Shepard? _And _Please stay safe, Shepard._ And other variances of the like. All saved once, never sent…

He could just imagine the weight upon Shepard's shoulders, the guilt, the failure, he could envision Shepard tearing himself apart, replaying Thessia over and over in his mind. Envisioning how things could have gone differently, what he could have done that would have made all of this work out. Kaidan himself could feel his throat tightening just at the thought, it wasn't Shepard's fault. It never was. He always, always did the right thing. No one could have known that that fucking assassin would be there...

Just as he was about to check the lounge for the third time, a new message appeared on Kaidan's omni tool. Hope surged in his heart as he opened he inbox. But it wasn't Shepard.

EDI. No subject. One word.

_Airlock._

There he was. The doors had slid open for him when Kaidan had approached the airlock, revealing the lone figure inside. With his back facing Kaidan, Shepard stood in the centre of the small room, his hands twitching at his sides. Kaidan heard the airlock doors slide shut behind him.

Shepard.

It was like the major's voice had dried up in his throat, sealing off the airway, leaving him trembling slightly, and taking short shallow breaths. What to- what to say? He watched Shepard's shoulders slowly tighten, tensed to a point where they began to shake slightly, until he was standing ramrod straight again. Kaidan wanted to reach out, to put his thumbs between those shoulder blades and knead the stress out slowly. Kaidan chewed the insides of his cheeks for moisture, swallowing, trying to loosen his throat, to free his voice and break the silence. But Shepard beat him to it.

"I... I told EDI to lock the door." his voice was gruff and choked, on the brink of breaking from the way he'd had to force the sound out.

Shepard turned slowly to look at Kaidan. His face was still blank, carefully guarded by a fragile wall. The commander looked at him expectantly, and Kaidan licked his lips before saying,

"She knew better."

It was like a dam had broken within the other man. His face contorted, eyes narrowing, lips straining to hold back a sob, brow lowering to crinkle his nose with almost determination, but he couldn't hold back the tears. Shepard closed his eyes tightly but still the tears seeped out, building on his lashes then falling heavily to streak wet paths down his cheeks. His brow shook almost violently. Ducking his head shamefully, Shepard turned and began to pace irritably around the small room.

"F-fuck, no, I'm not meant to- to be like this!" Shepard hissed out, his hands clenching into fists, "I can't be like this!" his eyes were darting, never rising to meet Kaidan's eyes. The major could almost see Shepard's mind spin, overclocking, panicking...

Kaidan automatically began to lift his arms but stopped awkwardly halfway. He wanted to hold Shepard, to cling to him and keep him still because he just couldn't take all this volatile pacing, but it... He'd never been very good at consoling; too honest, too awkward… Was it the right thing to do? Maybe Shepard needed space. Maybe-

Shepard's head flicked up suddenly to look at Kaidan, whose eyes widened like a deer in headlights; it was like Shepard had heard his frantic thoughts. Unthinkingly, his arms twitched up a little more, and something in Shepard's expression made him say quietly, almost like a breath,

"John…"

Shepard surged forward in two large steps, his arms flinging out to grab Kaidan, one around the waist, the other behind his head, holding it firmly to one side to make more room to bury his face almost desperately into Kaidan's neck, his nose squashed tightly into his collarbone. The sheer force and shock made Kaidan stagger back a couple steps, slamming them Kaidan first into the door, before the major quickly surrounded his commander in his arms, one at the shoulders kneading gently and pressing Shepard firmly into his body, the tighter the better, and the other around his waist, wrapping all the way around.

"F-fuck. Fuck-fucking damnit..." Kaidan could feel Shepard's hands fisting at the back of his neck, into his shirt, almost causing pain but it was alright.

Kaidan closed his eyes. He could feel hot tears seeping slowly but surely into his neck, Shepard was shaking now.

"We'll make it, Shepard." Kaidan soothed into the other's ear, rubbing the stuttering muscles beneath his hands. A sob struggled its way out onto his neck harshly,

"No, Kaidan-" Shepard paused, to control his breathing enough to speak, "you didn't... Y-you didn't hear it. See her face. The... Ambass'dor... She-she didn't even hear me say sorry. Fuck! Fuck! The whole of Thessia! My fault! And Liara! _Liara_…"

Kaidan didn't even know what to say. He moved his hands to gently lift Shepard's face up, and Shepard's hold on him loosened slightly, their noses almost touching. His eyes were bloodshot red, his complexion splotchy and tired and his brow still frowned with weak determination to stop crying. Kaidan rubbed his thumbs gently at the corners of his eyes, once to remove the tears, then again for comfort, and again and again, with half lidded eyes and the most serious, meaningful look he could muster.

It wouldn't help to say it wasn't his fault. Not yet. Shepard had to calm down first, had to start thinking rationally again.

Kaidan hummed something in the back of his throat, but he wasn't entirely sure what it was meant to mean. Shepard seemed to understand it though, because he smiled, shakily at first, it was small and quiet, slightly squashed between Kaidan's hands, and he had to smile back at that.

"Sit." Kaidan slid down the door to the ground with Shepard complying easily, Shepard lying a little heavily against Kaidan's chest, but it felt nice. Kaidan's hands dropped to hold Shepard's waist loosely between his legs, and with a stuttering sigh, Shepard loosened his tight hold on Kaidan as well.

"I- I didn't mean to, Kaidan," Shepard said quietly into his neck, "I really- I really..."

"I know. Everyone knows, even Liara." Kaidan stroked a soothing hand from the small of Shepard's back to his tail bone, then back up again, and Shepard gave a stuttering sigh.

For a long time they sat together, their hearts beating between them, Kaidan's slow and steady, and Shepard's stuttering, but eventually matching the other man's heart. But in his mind, Kaidan could still hear Shepard's words. The guilt and anguish had slowly withdrawn from the room to bury itself back into the commander's shoulders. The thought made Kaidan's hands move up to Shepard's shoulders and rub gently… perhaps he was taking the thought a little too literally, but Shepard seemed to enjoy it. A solid twenty minutes must have passed before the silence finally broke.

"Hey?" his voice was cleaner now, but whisper soft, as if checking to see if Kaidan was still awake. Kaidan hummed again in response. The commander's hand trembled ever so slightly as he stroked the wet spot on his neck once then twice, almost as if to pat it dry.

"Sorry."

"Don't be, it's fine." the dampness was a little uncomfortable, but not to the point of annoyance.

"No, I mean for this whole…" Shepard trailed off, head ducked again but his voice had a sort of sad levity to it now, like bitter self-pit, "So fucking embarrassing… Never cry." and Kaidan had to chuckle at that. Shepard's eyes slid shut and he sighed again, not stuttering anymore, just tired, almost relieved. But Kaidan couldn't relax again. This was his chance to say something, and he could feel it in his throat and on the tip of his tongue that he did have something he wanted to say, but…

It was tough. What did one say to a person like Shepard? There was nothing. Kaidan knew Shepard well enough to know that. He didn't want pity, or lectures, or sympathy, he had too much pride, he was strong, and it wasn't the type of support he needed. What he needed was…

"A break," Kaidan looked down at Shepard, whose eyes opened again slowly to look up at him, "I think… you need a break."

"A break?" Shepard echoed incredulously. Kaidan licked his lips.

"Just a short one."

"Kaidan…" his eyes narrowed, as if it was the most moronic suggestion in the galaxy, "I'm fine now. And I can't. The Reapers are coming, and we have to get the Catalyst back. All that information Cerberus took, we have to take it back."

"But you're running yourself into the ground. Even just a couple hours? It doesn't even have to be with me, maybe poker with Lieutenant Vega? Or… or—"

"Actually, technically, this is a break," Shepard looked down at his omnitool, "It's been over an hour now."

"… I suppose it is," Kaidan sighed and hung his head, "I'm just… worried."

"Don't worry." Shepard replied, bluntly but not rudely. But it bugged Kaidan anyway.

"I can't not worry," Kaidan snapped, then sighed again, "I just care about you a lot, okay? I don't want you to feel this way. I want you to be happy." he grimaced a little at his wording; it sounded awkward and selfish, but quickly hid it when Shepard reached up to lift his bowed head, to kiss his lips chastely. Only for a second, maybe two, before he pulled away with a hum in the back of his throat.

"Priorities, Kaidan. After all of this, life will slow down again. Everything will be okay again, right?"

"… Right." Kaidan agreed, not dejectedly, but… resigned. Shepard had won this one. It was so stupid, Kaidan sucked at this. Somehow in trying to make Shepard feel better, he'd inverted the situation, and now Shepard was the one consoling Kaidan. It was like they were symbiotic.

Shepard stood, disentangling himself from their limbs, and held out a hand to help Kaidan up.

"… It's not your fault, John." Kaidan stood as well, he had to say it, if only so that he knew that Shepard knew, and Shepard's eyes widened at his words, shocked.

"… I… know." He paused in thought then smiled, "And hey, when things settle down a little… Maybe..."


End file.
